Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Pain and healing

As C.S. Lewis has said: "God can make good of all that happens. But the loss is real."

On Sunday, the tears welled up in my eyes, mirroring the heavy rain outside. Big fat drops pouring down. Thunder came into my chest.

It hurt to think about it and every time I did the tears started again.

But it consumed my thoughts.

A little over a week earlier I had been at the doctor's, my body pretty much working fine except for one little problem.


Then on Friday, just two days earlier at 9:00 am I got a call from my doctor's office. I was shocked at the diagnosis I heard. I had been fine. Now this. I felt like my body was betraying me. Maybe it had been trying to tell me something was wrong for a while but I wasn't listening.

When I heard the diagnosis I took it like a champ- the news not really sinking in...

The more I thought about it though, the more it hurt. I had so many questions but no answers.

"What if?", "why now?" and "what about the future?" resounded in my head.

I didn't want to talk to anyone...not even Father, but I needed comfort and it was getting late.

I called my mom. I cried as she asked me how I was. Emotionally I was not so good. She mostly talked and I mostly listened, which was fine by me. The tears came and went. We made a plan of action. I would call a specialist and get the answers I needed.

My mom commented "I know Father has a plan in this, I just wish I knew what it was..." I know the Lord compensates the faithful for every loss but having this knowledge doesn't make it hurt any less. The pain is still there. I don't think faith and knowledge negate pain, do they?

I may not be healed in this life but God can make good of all that happens. He will consecrate this affliction for my gain. And, as my faith is rooted in hope, optimism, and tears, I know He will...but the loss is still real.


Brenna said...


Such a tender post. Thank you for sharing! I love you!

Noelle said...

Whatever it is...no matter what...the Father is aware of you and will bless you to get through anything...and you'll come out stronger. My prayers will be with you.

I am Laura said...

I am so sorry. What was the diagnosis? I haven't been the greatest blog reader as of late and I feel I have missed something in your life. I am sorry you have been sick and hurting. I wish I was close and we could go out to lunch or something. You will be in my thoughts.

Valerie said...

I am sorry to hear about this. But, I know that you of all people have the right attitude and the right answers to get through this! You are in my prayers.

Natasha and Jesse said...

Thanks for the thoughts and prayers everybody.

Grumpy Grateful Mom said...

Keeping you in my prayers also. Janae

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