Sunday, October 25, 2009

Late Night Thoughts

I know this is two posts in once day and I probably shouldn't be writing this this late at night when I should be in bed. I don't really care if people read this or not. I just need to vent somewhere and this is as good a place as any.

Some days I hate life. I'm tired of feeling alone all the time. I'm tired of not having a job that I love that is close to my major. I'm tired of being stuck in a singles branch when I want to be married. I'm tired of messing things up with people that I love. Somedays I just want to crawl in a hole and sleep for years and not have to interact with people. I think others would be so much better off without me around messing things up.

Also, I hate my body. Did you know that? If not, then now you do. I know things could be horrible. I could be disfigured or be in a wheelchair or be missing a limb, but I still hate it. I want to be skinny and beautiful and dainty. Like, oh, I don't know...somebody other than me. Sometimes I just want to crawl under a blanket and cry. I look at other females in my branch and feel so ugly compared to them. And it's not that I haven't tried exercising and watching what I eat, I have. But then I realize that the results will never be what I want them to be and I give up.

I feel like I don't "fit in" in life. Sometimes I think that I was born in the wrong time period. I don't feel like I'm making a difference and if I were to leave people wouldn't really even notice that I'm gone.

I should just be happy with what I am and have and most of the time I am. But days like today, I just feel sad. I don't want or need advice either. I know what I need to do to be service, reading my scriptures, praying, going to the temple. I know that...blah, blah, blah. Somedays I just feel sad and alone and need to write it down. Don't judge me.


Becky said...

I love your blog, though I don't always comment...I get behind on reading and then I feel silly commenting late.

You have made a big impact in my life. You were arguably my best companion. You are happy, spunky and you are SO cute when you are mad (at the Elders anyway). You have a great sense of humor...I wish we lived in the same town...on the same street. I wish we could get together on a regular basis and make stuff! Mostly food!

Remember Big Fork? I say that like, "Remember the Alamo!" It was a hard place for me...but not with you there.

I love you and I miss you.

Chin up Sister! I'm sending you a big cyber hug (((( )))).

a.k.a. Olivia said...

Just so you know, you're not the only one who feels this way sometimes!

susette said...

don't think we don't miss you! i miss you! and amen to the girl above're not the only one who feels that way.

Judy said...

I'm hoping you feel better this morning!

Cats Meow said...

Well, I know how you feel. I too have felt that way many times. When you want to be left alone, it's probably a good time to join something - get out an talk to other people. It's also helpful to do something, anything, you think of as fun.

You may think no one would miss you but it's never, ever true. Everyone always has at least one person who cares and usually they have a whole lot more than they think they do. (Your comments section will attest to this as well.)

I hope you got a good nights rest after writing this. Sometimes, sleep can do wonders.

If you need someone to love you today, I will. I love you with all my heart because you are just such a unique and wonderful person. What a gift you are to this world. Do they recognize it yet? NO indeed but you are a beauty to behold and I am so very thankful my world has YOU in it.

Hugs and kisses all around, girl. You deserve them.

P.S. Six months after I was talked out of suicide by my friends, I met the man of my dreams. Your love is out there looking for you too. He'll show up when he's suppose to.

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